So depending on the circumstance, relationship “boundaries” and what constitutes “cheating” have never been fully agreed to or even discussed constitutes a real problem. People assume their partner knows what they consider to be “cheating” but sometimes they don’t. This is a discussion every couple should have early on. If you have different definitions of cheating, you could be headed to trouble. In these circumstances, the probably-cheating spouse will be very defensive and not agree with you that they cheated. And therefore, won’t show remorse. I think this is not the most common circumstance.
2. The Cheating Spouse is engaged in an “exit affair.” They used it to get out of their marriage. They have already decided the marriage is over and the affair was the method to do it – they found someone whom they wish to be with more than you, or have at least proven to themselves that there is indeed “something better out there” for them. And they want out. The affair is the self-proof they need to take that final step. So of course, they feel no remorse for cheating. It was just a means to an end.
It actually changes the way our brain functions to enhance pleasure and make us obsessively tied to the lover so that all other considerations seem like faint background noise
3. The Cheating Spouse has huge grievances against their spouse. Serious anger. They feel neglected, abused, misunderstood, unwanted and undesired by you for years. They may even feel they tried every possible tactic to get your attention before they launched their affair. Their affair was the only available means to them to get their critical emotional needs met since you would not. Therefore, they feel no remorse, even if it constitutes a massive betrayal. This is common Wayward Spouse thinking and again it confuses the “why” with “justification.” You can’t talk some Waywards out of this type of thinking. They may be correct – maybe you ARE a shitty spouse. But that doesn’t justify anything except leaving you. Certainly it doesn’t justify an affair, although reading the blogs, for many it seems to. It’s backward, screwed-up thinking, but common. They won’t leave you, but feel no remorse fucking around on you or having an emotional affair either. It’s almost like their affair, in their mind, is revenge against you. This is bad thinking. But anger on their part is making it impossible for them to realize the huge betrayal they have perpetrated. They will not feel remorse.
Infatuation with the lover is a chemical addiction
4. The affair is still going on, or they are still on the fence about it and you. If the affair is still going on, the Wayward Spouse is unlikely to feel much remorse. They still want it. Even if they claim it’s not still going on, it might be still raging, but driven further under ground, or on a reduced level. But still going on nevertheless. This is that well known term, ‘the affair fog’. Seeing yourself and your actions with vision and feeling remorse for this massive betrayal of your spouse is probably the furthest thing from your mind.
Or they literally may still be on the fence. They may long for the affair and their affair partner, even if they have cut off contact. They aren’t really sure what they want at this point. You. Their affair partner. Neither of you. Shell-shocked and confused, they aren’t likely to feel remorse yet. Remember, they have feelings about the affair too. They must work through them first before they can feel sorry about anything except being caught.