45-year-old Vadim constantly breaks down on his wife. 41-year-old Irina is tired of the temper’s temper and thinks about divorce. Conflictologist Andrei König helps to deal with the true cause of contention.
Vadim: I often visit. Then ashamed. I’m trying to take care of myself and still break. But outbreaks of anger are usually justified. For example, I ask my wife about something-no reaction. Does not hear. How can I not explode here?
Andrey König: You have assumptions what the reason for your temper?
IN.: Probably in my character. But in public, I don’t allow myself this. If someone pushed on the street, I can speak out, but to hit, never. Although at times I want.
A.TO.: What are you doing when you want to hit, but you can’t?
IN.: Nothing. But when Ira is nearby, I break down on her. In terms of emotions, of course. There is no talk of any assault.
A.TO.: And why it bothers you?
IN.: I myself am uncomfortable myself. Once in a store I heard a man yelling at his woman. It’s not just ugly – it’s disgusting. In addition, Ira is very touchy. I flared up – and went out. And she remembers everything and is always offended, as the last time.
A.TO.: Ira, what do you say?
Irina: I usually try to smooth everything and not go into the rampage, but less strength remains less and less. The last time we spoke to each other nasty things, almost cost us a marriage: outbreaks of anger destroy him. A truce has come now, but it is very shaky. I do not want to return to the previous algorithm: he yelled, I pouted, he froze – and went on.
A.TO.: Why, because the algorithm looks quite a working?
AND.: We are not deprived of a sense of humor, we can feel each other and love. But I can no longer make efforts to cope with crises myself. For what? For what? As if I were struggling for Vadim every time.
A.TO.: Who are you fighting?
AND.: With him.
A.TO.: And what does he prevent you from being near?
AND.: His incontinence.
A.TO.: Irina, incontinence and imbalance – this is not callousness and coldness. You said you can love each other. Why one side of his emotionality is good and the other is not?
AND.: It seems to me that I do not deserve such an attitude. I have done a lot for him and for us.
A.TO.: You tried to earn his location?
AND.: Vadim is my man. Therefore, if he asks me for something, I will break into a cake, but I will do. No matter how much and remind him of him – everything was in vain. And he will ask a few more times – why. Why should I explain why? If I ask, then I need it.
A.TO.: What do you think in your family makes decisions?
IN.: Ira.
AND.: Perhaps I agree. Sometimes this happens simply because I know how better and more correct. For example, as in the case of buying a washing machine for parents.
A.TO.: You have now answered quickly and in complete agreement with each other.
IN.: Ira for a month convinced me to buy her. And I have a logical question why. From home to bath 50 meters. The bath has a great washing machine. It would be better to buy a TV. Who made the decision? She. I just performed. For example, I need a TV more than a washing machine. On the other hand, I understand that this is a mother -in -law. But we still begin to sort things out.
AND
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.: I answered him many times to the question why, but he does not understand. I evaluate the functionality: the machine is a priority because it will make my mother easier.
A.TO.: Sometimes it seems to us that, having set out his arguments to his partner, we will make him understand that both should work for the task. But this is far from always obvious to another. Not because arguments are incomprehensible, but because this task may not fit into his worldview.
AND.: Vadim has a feeling that I had taken away something from him and gave it to my relatives.
A.TO.: This is wrong?
AND.: So. And I understand that. I can safely buy a machine for my parents myself. This is how my feelings and concern for them are manifested. And I try to teach Vadim the same – to love and take care how I see it.
A.TO.: And he needs it?
AND.: Probably not. And it hurts me.
A.TO.: Irina, when you are trying, as a child, to teach your spouse something is a manifestation of child-child relationships.
AND.: He is like a kai in a fairy tale about the Snow Queen: he does not care anything, he is closed from the outside world.
A.TO.: I can’t agree with you. Such an emotional person like Vadim cannot be closed. You just react differently to the same situation.
AND.: Vadim made me an offer for the third year after meeting. With the condition that if I try to manipulate them, then he will divorce with me. And I agreed. And now he perceives all my requests as manipulation. As if I were committing violence against him.
A.TO.: And you are doing?
AND.: Sometimes it seems to me that he seems to be not. Makes little effort, although his potential is huge.
IN.: I partly agree with this. I am lazy, it happens. But Ira makes me be more active.
A.TO.: Your relationship is generally typical of a Russian family: when a woman is an older figure, and a man is in the second roles. Irina is afraid to admit this, although there is nothing wrong with that. She often makes more global decisions, and, to the honor of Vadim, he understands this and accepts.
You, Irina, love to control everything. Controllers make themselves the question of “why?”Because decisions are not discussed. However, only certain types really get along next to the controller-there is no place for an equal partner. And for him to appear, the controller will have to moderate his control. Vadim is a man inclined to recognize other people’s decisions. His scream is not an attempt to protest them, but a call to pay attention to him.
IN.: Yes, I want my opinion to at least hear my opinion.
A.TO.: Vadim, there lives constant anxiety inside you. If you leave you alone with your thoughts for ten minutes, it will be unbearable for you. Alarming background generates fear. And fear gives rise to the feeling that someone is trying to attack you all the time and that you will have to defend yourself. You can answer any word scream. But if you restrain yourself, it will be even worse: remaining with your anxiety alone, you will only aggravate it. And this, in turn, can lead to health problems.
IN.: I don’t want to scream, but who will like that they are commanded.
A.TO.: If you want Irina to stop commanding, then she must see an adult man in you, and not a child. An adult man is not about rudeness and straightforwardness. This is about power. About the ability to solve and do – or not to, but not hysterical, but calmly. The strength of a man is in the history of his decisions. So that a woman is good and free next to him, he should be a stronghold of stability and tranquility.
In the meantime, the structure is unstable, Irina has to constantly and frantically clutch at something so as not to fall. She is aimed at partnership and wants to consult with you. Wants you to make decisions yourself. And for some reason he thinks that he can teach you this. But only a man himself can do this, without any help.
AND.: Maybe so, but it will be later, but what should we do right now?
A.TO.: I would suggest you come up with a stop-word. To stop and ask yourself the question: “What is happening to us now?”And return to the conversation in a day. When the intensity of passions is reduced, there are options for adequate solutions. This will not work the first time. Maybe it will not work from the tenth, but over time, such a scheme will begin to work for you.
It is desirable that the house has a separate place to clarify relations: so the conflicts will not creep around the house. The reasons why you need to diverge, I do not see. The fact that you swear and find out the relationship means that they are, you are not indifferent to each other.
Two weeks later
Irina: Vadim and I discussed in advance what we were talking about at the consultation. At first it was difficult to voice the problem: after all, if you start working on it, then you accept the fact that it really exists. Andrei calmly and confidently asked questions, was as attentive to details as possible. Before the consultation, we waited for resolving insoluble issues from each other, but it turned out that we needed to change our own line of behavior and work on ourselves. Now we try to notice where to slow down. The meeting turned out to be useful, the relationship between us became more stable, calm, and many issues began to be resolved more effectively.
Vadim: Andrei drew our attention not only to who we are for each other, but also on how we manipulate each other. How they are placed on the rank and who gets from what. Thanks to the consultation, we looked at ourselves and at each other differently. Andrei drew attention to our mistakes, explained how to make it better and what to avoid. It was a discovery for me that it is desirable to swear and sort things out in the same places, and, for example, this should not be done in bed.